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March 1st, 2022 
Awake Goy 
SEATTLE—Local woman Katie Chambers sat down to brunch with her friends at a popular vegan cafe in downtown Seattle where they gossiped about men, sex, and the land invasion of Ukraine by Russian forces.
“World War 3 is really stressing me out,” said Katie, literally shaking. “I have Pilates at 3, but if we all die in, like, a nuclear war or something, what does it even matter how toned my arms are?” Katie then broke down sobbing as her friends tried to comfort her.
Experts say that of all the people around the world facing the war in Ukraine, wealthy single women may be affected more than anyone else. “The emotional and psychological damage being experienced by privileged white girls as they face their own mortality is catastrophic,” said researcher Dr. Alvin Melbourne. “Someone needs to do something to help these poor women!”
According to sources, Katie Chambers then stood and toasted her friends with a glass of champagne. “I don’t know what I’d do without you all,” she said. “You are the best friends a girl could ask for!”
Sources say she began feeling better after their third round of mimosas.
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