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February 26th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
CHARLESTON, SC—A local woman was found dead yesterday after her husband failed to bring her a blanket fast enough. The couple had reportedly sat down to binge-watch Gilmore Girls for the fifth time when his wife asked him to retrieve a blanket from the hall closet. However, by the time he returned it was already too late. Angelica Shardstone was dead, a look of betrayal frozen on her face.
Paramedics arrived on the scene shortly thereafter but were unable to revive the 32-year-old woman. Police were called to the scene when an EMT noted the woman had no blanket.
“People make me sick,” said hard-nosed ambulance driver Jason Ash. “I’ve seen a lot in my day but there were blankets just down the hall and this woman had nothing. No real husband would let that happen.”
Authorities retained the husband for questioning.
“I don’t understand it,” said Jim Shardstone, husband of the deceased as he wept bitterly at the funeral. “She said she was feeling ‘a teensy bit cold’ but I never expected this. It was 70 degrees outside!”
According to sources, the death was thought to be accidental until cell phone records for the husband discovered he delayed retrieving the blanket because he was busy looking at memes on his phone.
The District Attorney is expected to file charges on Monday.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
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