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March 12th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
SOMERVILLE, MA—Beloved author and illustrator Martin Handford has released new editions of his Where’s Waldo? series giving Waldo—or Wally, as xe’s called in the U.K.—a fresh and more socially conscious look. Unfortunately, many readers are finding this new “woke” Waldo much too easy to find.
“We wanted to show our support for the ‘defund the police’ movement, so we gave xim a bright yellow sign,” said Handford. “We also gave xim a striped pride shirt, pink hair, facial piercings, a face contorted in perpetual rage, and an obnoxiously shaking fist. We feel this is just the update our modern audiences need right now.”
Children flipping through the book often find Waldo within two or three seconds, as Waldo puts a lot of time and energy into making sure xe is the center of attention everywhere he goes. Whether xe’s at an Extinction Rebellion rally or a Black Lives Matter riot, xe will demand your attention on every page and scream obscenities at you if you don’t notice xim.
“Where’s Waldo?, just like many other beloved intellectual properties, is no longer simply entertainment,” Handford added. “It is a platform for our political beliefs. We hope to get this really fun and easy book to as many young kids as possible!”
According to sources, Florida Governor Ron DeSantis is already making plans to ban the book in Florida.
This woman is an angry feminist — but she’s quickly changing her tune as World War 3 starts and she faces the possibility of getting drafted.
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