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May 15th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
NEW YORK, NY—In order to get New Yorkers vaccinated, Governor Andrew Cuomo is offering coupons for one free back rub per individual who gets the shot. Strangely, the offer seems to be limited to younger women, and those redeeming the coupon must sign an NDA before receiving their back rub at Cuomo’s private residence.
Cuomo’s deal comes as other politicians have begun offering incentives for the vaccine, with Bill de Blasio dangling a greasy cheeseburger in front of New Yorkers’ drooling faces and Governor DeWine offering a million-dollar prize to one lucky vaccinated person.
“If any New Yorkers have yet to be vaccinated — particularly young, beautiful women — we’re hopeful that this will push them over the edge,” Cuomo said. “Again, I can’t emphasize enough how good of a deal this is — again, for the ladies — and hope the most attractive ones will come forward so no more hot broads needlessly die.”
“I guarantee this will be the best back rub you’ve ever had — and we’re really concerned about your privacy, so no one will need to know you redeemed your coupon,” the governor continued. “In fact, if you ever reveal that you redeemed it, I will deny it ever happened, lawyer up, and slander you — for your protection.”
At publishing time, the offer had enticed very few women to come forward and receive the shot, prompting Cuomo to throw in a stay at one of New York’s pristine, vacant nursing homes “absolutely free.”
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