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September 22nd, 2023 
Awake Goy 
Almost every second of the day, a screen inhabits my life—hell, I’m looking at one while typing this. I’m sure we all can agree that tech is amazing, but when does it end? So many of us are glued to laptops or enormous monitors for eight hours a day, every day, which results in some serious eye strain—something I know all too well. (It’s actually the blue light that screens radiate that causes your eyes to work harder to focus, giving you that all-too-familiar feeling of having icepicks driven into your pupils.)
While the best blue light glasses in the game might work for some, for me and many others, they’re just not enough. My issues started in high school—I used to have migraines that lasted for two grueling weeks at a time. Thankfully, those days are over, but although my migraines have gone away, I still have pesky, chronic eye strain from poring over luxury timepiece dupes, the best deodorant for women, and an endless barrage of memes and TikToks.
Now, I don’t place blame on computers entirely. I’m a total freak for video games and go to concerts where pyrotechnics and strobe lights are flashing in my face all night. Guilty as charged, but I refuse to give up my vices. So, fast forward to this year, when I stumbled over a wonder gadget that has essentially cured my tired eyes: the Renpho Eye Massager.
What is it?
The Renpho Eye Massager is exactly what it sounds like—a machine that massages your tired, stressed eyes. It was designed to target five “acupoints” in the eye region with both pressure and heat, ultimately alleviating tension headaches, eye strain, eye puffiness, and dry eyes. (All issues of mine—I’m a mess.) Temperatures range from 104 to 107 degrees Fahrenheit, and while that sounds like a scorcher, it's only eight to 11 degrees above body temperature.
It has a clamshell design with an adjustable head strap, which gets an extra brownie point for me since I have an annoyingly small head. It’s also ultra-portable and the two sides fold together, making it easy to take with you on a commute. It features five massage modes that help reduce inflammation and increase blood circulation, and—my favorite feature—it has Bluetooth connectivity so you can play your own bumpin’ jams or tranquil sounds.
Initial thoughts
First things first: They look like ski goggles, and when I first saw them, I had no idea what was in store for my tired, bloodshot eyes. I didn’t think anything was really capable of getting rid of my eye strain and tension headaches; I admit it, I was skeptical, but I like to keep an open mind with everything, especially when my precious eyeballs are involved.
The eye massager has a 4.4-out-of-five star rating and over 11,000 reviews on Amazon—that’s how I knew there was something special about this product. “Usually two to three cycles and bam, the worst of them are gone,” one reviewer wrote. “So, if you do suffer from migraines or constant headaches, this is a godsend.” So, I gave it a shot for about a month, and it’s safe to say I was pleasantly surprised.
I’ve been enlightened
As soon as I strapped in and turned it on, the upper half of my face and head simply felt like it was resting in a padded steam room, in the best way possible. As it caressed my forehead and eyes, it felt like a heated vibrator. Ugh, I love pleasure. As you alternate pressure modes, a slightly percussive (almost bounce-like) vibration hits all the nooks and crannies of your eye sockets.
I guess you could say my eyes orgasmed. It was truly a face-tenderizing, zen experience—so much so that it emulated the relief I get from my Theragun, my favorite post-run ritual. Once the session wrapped up, my eye region felt like it just left the spa. The heated pads left a slight film of sweat on my skin, but no complaints: I felt like a brand-new woman.
The first few times I used this, I used the built-in tranquil ambient tones that transported me into a Japanese cherry blossom garden. I’m pretty sure it sent me into a trance. But, I wanted to kick things up a notch during my meditative sessions. I was excited to use the Bluetooth connectivity and connect my self-proclaimed sick Spotify playlists. My idea of relaxation is vibing to some Swedish metal (Opeth is chef’s kiss). If you’re not feeling the tunes, you can also get in some mellow learning by listening to an E-book or podcast. The rechargeable massager also comes with a mini remote to change the massage pressure and song with a simple click.
Is there anyone who shouldn’t use this device?
Renpho says you should not use it if you have cataracts, have undergone eye surgery, or have retina conditions. In other words, don't pop this on right after getting Lasik. We respect a responsible king or queen who abides by the warning label.
TL;DR: Should you snag the Renpho Eye Massager?
Here are three reasons why should throw this sucker into your shopping cart:
- It feels magnificent. Your eyes and all the surrounding areas will feel they’re being gently caressed by a massage gun or your favorite vibrator.
- It will make your tired, bloodshot eyes look like they no longer have pinkeye.
- It will save you money in the long run, especially if you’re constantly seeking outside relief and masseuse sessions for your headaches or eye strain.
Adios eye strain and headaches, I won’t miss ya.
The Renpho Eye Massager is available for purchase on Amazon.
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