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January 25th, 2023 
Awake Goy 
So, you love your boo, but not enough to move to the same geographic location where they currently reside? Got it. Unfortunately for you, that means your long distance Valentine’s Day gift-giving stakes are higher than those applied to the lucky bastards who see each other so much they can get away with a card and some takeout without provoking a fight.
Your gift has to solidify the very beliefs keeping your relationship alive: You are worth pining after! Distance really does make the heart grow fonder! FaceTime can be sexy! When [insert life hurdle that’s keeping you apart] is over, you will be together forever and it will be bliss. (Fingers crossed.) Luckily, you’re not left to source up inspiration all on your own. Even John and Paul didn’t write love songs all by themselves—sometimes you need a little help from your friends. And today, dear reader, I am your friend.
Send them some good vibrations
You don’t need me to tell you that long-distance lovin’ can’t be sustained without the help of sex toys. Nevertheless: Here’s my recommendation. The We-Vibe Melt connects to the We-Connect app, which gives you control over the vibrator’s settings—from anywhere. That means you can take your weekly, er, “FaceTime sesh,” to a whole new level.
For the boys left stroking their own “ego”, the Turboo automatic male masturbator will make it feel like you’re in the room with them. This super-sucking device uses Tracy’s Dog’s patented CFEET (Centrifugal Forced Ejaculation Enhancement Technology) and features three different powerful vibration frequencies to get you throw the cold, lonely months that you cant be with your sweetie (and it’s currently 34% off).
Cozy kept simple
Who wouldn’t love to receive a Brooklinen weighted blanket? As a singleton, I might just buy this for myself this year, but you can save your honey some money and bestow a throw that will cuddle them. Available in four colorways, this blanket is made of breathable, textured cotton, with a quilted interior layer of tiny glass beads that’ll feel like you’re giving your SO a hug from wherever you are.
Find your love language
Your day isn’t always interesting enough to be talked about—we get it. Instead of sitting in silence, inject some new life into your conversations with the Love Lingual card game! The cards cover five categories, including Sex & Intimacy and Past & Future, and each card has a question that’s meant to deepen your connection. Amazon reviewer Gabrielle Feldman offered this bit of advice to other customers: “My girlfriend and I LOVE these cards. As people who are constantly talking about our relationship and trying to find new ways to get to know each other, this is amazing.” Godspeed!
Run away to Vermont
What could be more romantic than a weekend in a cozy A-frame cabin nestled in the Vermontonian woodlands? We’re talking craft beer, beautiful scenery, some of the best cheese in the country, and a few nights of alone time. Get bookin’.
Alpine A-Frame Midcentury Cabin by Lake Raponda, $213/night at Airbnb
Share moments even when you’re apart
Nixplay smart picture frames give you a new way to share photos that’s more intimate than the ‘gram or a photo dump on iMessage. When you use the Nixplay app, you can send pictures right to frame in your SO’s bedroom—a simple way to show your sweetie that you’re thinking of them.
Not your usual last-minute love letter
Do not complete this the night before Valentine’s Day. I repeat: Do not complete this the night before! That being said, if you actually set aside time to work on this booklet, the result is a creative, thoughtful trove of letters to your sweetie for when they’re missing you most, with prompts such as, "Open when you're looking for inspiration," and "Open when you need a pep talk.” Awe.
Couples who binge-watch together stay together
Right now, HBO Max has lowered its monthly subscription price by 20%—the perfect excuse to sign you and your honey up so you can The Sopranos, Curb Your Enthusiasm, and (of course) Euphoria. Act fast on this one, because the deal only runs for a limited time.
Keep it classic
When it comes to gift-giving, there are some Certified Bad ideas. (Read: bathroom scales, a loose stick of deodorant, an IOU.) Bring the risk level for missteps down to zero by opting for flowers. Since your neighborhood bodega is officially out of the running, use a flower delivery service such as Urban Stems. The Amethyst bouquet is a gem—just as the name suggests—and there are other options, too, including our personal favorite, the bohemian bundle The Luna.
View all your memories in a retro way
Everyone remembers the hours they spent clicking through their first View Master as a kid. For you Gen-Z youths, its basically a personal slide projector…a slide projector is how we saw photos before iPhones…I digress. Imagine the look on your partner’s face when they open up their own View Master with custom slides, depicting all your best memories as a couple—major points, just wait until the next time you see one another. It’s on.
Try a MasterClass
Sure, you may not be able to join your boo for hot yoga, but with the MasterClass virtual classroom structure, you and your partner can still take some sort of class together—even if you’re not in note-passing distance. If your SO is into cooking, Osteria Francescana chef Massimo Bottura is teaching a class on modern Italian cuisine. (Or, take it on your own so you can show off in the kitchen next time you’re together.)
Here, there, and everywhere
Thought you can’t be two places at once? Think again. If long-distance love leaves you wringing your hands with jealousy and fear of infidelity, get your honey a pair of socks with your face on them so everyone knows you’re still around. (Is this healthy? Probably not. But I am not here to pass judgment.)
Steam up the windows
Somewhere out in this cold, ruthless world, your baby’s out there scraping the snow off the car all by their lonely self. If you were there, you’d do it. Since you’re not, do the next best thing and give your SO a car starter (plus the dough to have it installed) so they can still warm it up even when you’re not around.
Oil up
Some say that nothing says commitment like jewelry, but I do not belong to that group. If you want to show your baby that you’re in it for the long haul, go for the gold—the gold standard of olive oil, that is. Toss out the bargain brands and give your Valentine the artisan blends that their palate so rightly deserves with The Artist Capsule, a four-pack of Brightland’s best and most aesthetically pleasing bottles.
Signed, sealed, delivered
There’s a reason chocolate on V-Day is a cliche—it slaps every time. Use the Simply Chocolate delivery service to send your SO (or yourself) something sweet this Valentine’s Day. It’s hard to beat the Godiva Signature Truffles, but they also have satin heart box sets if that’s more up your lover’s alley.
To hell and back
Turn off John Legend and John Mayer, baby. This Valentine’s Day isn’t for smooth crooning—it’s for rock-opera worthy proclamations made with grand theatrics. It’s for praying to the God of Sex and Drums and Rock ‘n’ Roll and singing along with ‘Loaf, promising, I would do anything for love!… except move to the area where you live. At least not yet. (RIP, King.)
Happy V-Day, lovebirds.
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