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November 9th, 2023 
Awake Goy 
Recently, I went to a dinner party for my grandparents’ anniversary. My cousins and I range in age from 18 to 35, and have not yet given up our Youngest Generation status by procreating. I say this to let the record show that not only am I not a mom, but I’m also hardly around kids at all. And this is how I prefer it to be.
It would seem that I have no credentials to tell you what to buy for a child, but that would be false. One of my I-can’t-explain-how-we’re-related relatives has a four-year-old who hand-selected me to sit next to her during dinner. Thus, it was revealed to me that I’m actually a child whisperer. Now I’m here to share my wisdom.
The Resident Kid and I played with a plastic Peppa Pig and then moved on to an impromptu game with imaginary rocks. Both were equally fun in her book, which just goes to show that it doesn’t take much to impress a kid. While you could probably get away with giving the random kid in your life an imaginary magic wand, the unfortunate news is that most grown-ups have lost their sense of wonder and they would prefer if you shelled out a little cash for their offspring. From Grateful Dead onesies to classic books like Where the Sidewalk Ends, I’ve come up with gifts for the obligatory kid on your shopping list—and some gifts for the child who has everything—so you don’t have to.
The almighty baguette pillow
If adults love it, kids sure as hell will, too. After all, who wouldn’t want a slab of 3D, photorealistic, oblong golden brown goodness that happens to be 40 inches long? Carbs slap.
Teach ‘em what it’s like being a line cook
The patty conveyor belt is giving us less-than-pleasant flashbacks to our first summer jobs, but we’d totally play with this Play-Doh Restaurant Playset anyway. It mimics a kitchen with two stampers to make press-down burgers, an oven, a food delivery window, cute food molds, and kitchen tools. Just make sure little Timmy doesn’t eat his creations, or you may need to get the Play-Doh Drill ‘n Fill Dentist Toy, too.
A non-toxic high
Ah, a classic. Mr. Sketch Markers may factor into the origin story of some present-day stoners, but it’s not our fault they smell like heaven. There are 22 scents included in this set, such as root beer, cherry, buttered popcorn, cinnamon, and nacho cheese. Dare we say, the olfactory array is even more lovely than that of our fragrance collection.
Their dad is a SoundCloud DJ
Make Dad proud when he sees their son or daughter pretending to mix the Kidz Bop version of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” The Learn to Mix & Spin DJ Pad features an 18-key synthesizer with four instrument sounds and multiple controls—but it’s so easy to use that it’s recommended for kids under the age of five.
They like to get messy
Do the parents have to limit the watch time for Nickelodeon? Their child’s slime fixation should be tamed with the real deal, so get them into ASMR earlier with Elmer’s DIY slime kit.
Kid-friendly tech
Amazon’s Fire HD 8 Kids tablet is no LeapFrog—it’s even better (gotcha). It has up to 13 hours of battery life to support indulging in books, games, shows, and music that parents can control through AmazonKids+. It comes with a free one-year subscription.
Cute AF advent calendars
While we adults are swooning over Lovehoney’s Sex Toy Advent Calendar, the kid in your life can enjoy G-rated advent calendars from Lego and National Geographic.
They’re maniacs for Pokémon
If your nephew can’t stop talking about how he has been trying to catch a Rayquaza for the last month, this bundle with over 100 rare Pokémon trading cards will make him shed happy tears.
Their parents are runners
The whole family having matching Hoka Clifton 9s? Mad cute. These are the kinds of parents who want their kids to join the track team while still in diapers.
And, a pair of camo Crocs makes the perfect recovery shoes for their little piggies (after “jogging” approximately 15 steps).
Start ‘em young
While you’re still out planning your summer around Dead and Company’s tour dates (me too), some of your friends are having babies and wistfully streaming shows on nugs.net. Here exists the one article of clothing where your two worlds still collide: a onesie with the lyrics to “Ripple” printed on it.
The Child for a child
I am 24 years old and I am the proud owner of a crocheted Baby Yoda stuffed animal. My mother had it made for me by a kindergarten teacher she works with, who probably did not assume that I was an adult. This summer, we had company over, and their three-year-old borrowed my beloved Baby Yoda for the whole duration of their stay. The separation anxiety was real, and if I ever encountered this child again, I’d buy her own Baby Yoda from Etsy.
Help revive the magazine industry
In a last-ditch effort to save print media, try to hook the random kid in your life on magazines while they’re still young and impressionable!
If you really want to give them coal
Not every child is a peaceful cherub, and we all know it. If you want to get them coal (but know that would sever your relationship with the child’s creators), opt for geodes! They’ll be mesmerized by the hidden crystals, and you can revel in your secret passive-aggressiveness.
Something parents can enjoy, too
Maybe it’s already happened; maybe it’s just around the corner. At some point, children will enter a phase where they watch the same movie hundreds of times a week. You can pre-empt that by casually exposing them to actually good films that will be slightly more tolerable for their parents to hate-watch until they can’t take it anymore.
Somewhere over the rainbow
How else will you show that you’re the cool aunt to borrow records from one day if you don’t give your niece or nephew a musical instrument? Since drums and electric guitars will get you excommunicated by the parents (and they frankly cost more than one needs to spend on someone under a decade old), a ukulele is the next best thing!
Start gassing up the next Michael Jordan
We all have to start somewhere. Kids love looking and feeling cool (or so I’m told), and nothing’s cooler than a pair of Jordans. Plus, you’re not going to go easy on them when they’re old enough to play NBA 2K, so they might as well start their training now.
A book for parents and children alike
Sure, it may be years before the kid in question gets the Little Prince’s secret—“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.” But until then, they’ll enjoy the story of the fox and the rose, and the parents will be glad to read something that doesn’t rhyme.
For kids, it’s always Shark Week
Kids love sharks; it’s probably written in their DNA. As the eternal struggle between sharks and crabs (these are the two groups in West Side Story, right?) continues, let children enter the fray via this not-too-challenging Lego shark set.
The simple pleasures
Kids can be wonderfully entertained by the simplest things—and that should not be overlooked when you’re shopping for them. Where we see a crayon, they see a portal to hours of fun. This giant sketchbook will be their imagination’s playground—even if only a parent could love the artwork born of it.
For the wishers and hope-ers
For the child whom you sense is also a kindred spirit, give them poems for the journey of growing up. Just follow Shel Silverstein’s invitation: “If you are a dreamer, come in, If you are a dreamer, a wisher, a liar, a hope-er, a pray-er, a magic bean buyer…”
Bugs are cool
In second grade, my class hatched caterpillars and released the butterflies into the wild. Sure, this was over 20 years ago, but joy from nature is timeless and can be enjoyed by all.
Because a tree house is too much
If you were shopping for your own (fictitious) kid, maybe you’d get them a tree house. But you’re not shopping for your own flesh and blood, so they can get the next best thing: this cool tree pod swing.
Expose them to *serious literature*
Little princes and sidewalk poems are fine, but if you want this child to grow up to be a genius, go to Harvard, cash out on a startup, and hook you up with a fat check because you started them off on the right foot, you must gift a truly great work of art that they’ll never forget.
Treasure hunting
Where we see literal garbage, kids see treasure. This metal detector will keep them occupied for hours while you try to hang out with their parents, uninterrupted. And if they do find any gold, they’ve got to go splitsies with you.
I don’t need to remind you that this isn’t your kid that you’re shopping for. This is one of those situations where it really is just the thought that counts. As long as that thought leads to a present, that is.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.
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