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August 19th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
KABUL—In a press conference given yesterday, Afghanistan’s charismatic spokesman Zabihullah Mujahid assured the world that the new Taliban regime will be a fully inclusive government that respects all the rights women have, which are none.
“Wallahi, by Allah, we will surely respect the rights of all women. We will do so very faithfully, as the prophet taught us,” said Mujahid. “Unfortunately, as it turns out, women have no rights for us to respect, so yeah—sorry women, you’re out of luck.”
Taliban leadership is encouraging people to try and find some women’s rights in Sharia Law, and have promised to abide by all of them if they are found. Unfortunately, no scholars have been able to find such rights.
“Aw, too bad!” said Mujahid, throwing up his hands. “I don’t make the rules, ok?”
The press responded by complimenting Mujahid’s well-manicured beard and asking for autographs.
The UN has also responded by awarding the Taliban leadership with its very first “Women’s Rights Protector” award to recognize their laudable efforts to try and find some women’s rights to recognize.
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