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January 3rd, 2022 
Awake Goy 
U.S.—A recent survey of churches across the United States revealed that the overwhelming majority of “Connection Cards” are being completed not by newcomers, but by bored children. According to the study, many kids lose interest during worship services and gravitate toward the available pencils and paper intended to help visitors sign up for ministry information, prayer requests, and church mailing lists.
“When we first received a card from someone named ‘UR MOM’ who had three kids, all named ‘Dumb Dumb,’ I tried to keep an open mind,” says Pastor Joel Souza of Grace Bible Fellowship of Duncan, NC. “But then when there were four other cards completed by ‘UR MOM,’ each with unique contact information and family members, it became clear that these cards were not being completed sincerely.”
Other churches have gradually discovered the trend through odd prayers being scrawled into the Prayer Request section of the cards.
“We receive a lot of weird prayer requests like ‘Please pray for my farty farts that are so smelly,’ and ‘Please pray that my sister would be less dumb,'” says Rev. Tim Agee of Eagletown Baptist Church. “We had to more strictly vet prayer chain submissions after one request claiming to have a ‘tiny man growing out of their butt’ turned out to be a false alarm, submitted by a nine-year-old named Connor.”
A related study also revealed that 99.5% of all punctures in church pew cushions are also caused by bored children, using the pencils that accompany the Connection Cards.
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