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November 19th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
RAWLINS, WY—Seeing the family sleeping peacefully in their beds with a busy weekday ahead of them, a local smoke detector judiciously chose 4 am as the perfect time to malfunction.
“REEEEE-REEEEE-REEEEE-REEEEE-REEEEE,” blared the smoke detector, jolting the panicked family awake in the perfectly smoke-free house. It looked down with pride from the ceiling as two screaming children ran down the hallway into their mother’s groggy embrace.
“Which one is it? Why do we need so many smoke—” yelled the dad in his underwear as he crashed over the coffee table in search of the deviously malfunctioning device.
Minutes later, the smoke detector spent the final moments of its existence in satisfied revelry as the grunting dad pulverized it into tiny pieces with a leg from the broken coffee table while the mom comforted their horror-stricken kids.
Upset that the smoke detector had picked the same night to malfunction, the refrigerator reluctantly decided to wait until 4 am the next night to spring a leak all over the kitchen’s hardwood floor.
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