Sell Your Helmet Stock

April 14th, 2016

Awake Goy

Today, more than ever, I noticed on the bike trail the growing mania for helmets. Big people, little people, short people, tall people, old people, young people, male and female, straight and gay, fat and spare, all God’s chillen’ it seems, must now have protection for their coconut.

As a kid growing up in a small town, you might say I came from a biker subculture. All us kids took a spill now and then on asphalt or gravel, but no one ever came close to busting their head that I am aware of––and we are talking some serious biking hours here. Plus, as kids, we always rode hell-bent-for-leather (whatever that means). In a pinch, the first thing a person will do is try to save their noggin. It’s instinct. Should any force be strong enough to penetrate the protective arms and hard hands draped around a head-–-say a car, bus, train, or space shuttle–-then a helmet would be of absolutely no use in any case. Actually, some bikers are so snail-like on the trails that a helmet is totally unnecessary. I’ve seen youngsters, oldsters and fatsters creeping so slowly along that joggers, and even someone walking at a brisk clip, could probably pass them. The only way these slow-bots could receive blunt force trauma to the pate would be if they fell off their bikes and literally beat their heads against a rock.

1380300597777

And of all the rich sights this earth has to offer, few compare to that of an old fat person wobbling along unsteadily on a bike wearing a five-sizes-too-small helmet similar to image #5 above. If one of these clumsy land whales should take a spill just about the only thing that won’t get damaged will be that tiny and ridiculous thing on the victim’s head.

Speaking of biking without helmets. . . . Oscar-winner, Gene Hackman, was riding his bike down in the Florida Keys a while back when a pickup truck plowed into him from the rear. “Hackman was riding without a helmet,” sniffed the silly writer of the piece (because that’s what every other silly news writer without a brain writes). What this young reporter failed to mention was, “Yep, Hackman was not wearing a helmet . . . and it’s a damned good thing the 81-year-old actor was NOT since a blast from the past like that, and the additional weight of a helmet, could well have snapped his neck from whiplash.” As is, this tough old bird—made famous by the hit movie, Bonnie & Clyde—was in and out of the hospital that day and was riding his bike again in no time . . . sans helmet.

A Final Note on Helmets—It has been noted by way more than your blogger that most men who wear helmets seem to be very slim and smallish and have fastidious feminine traits. On the other hand, I have noticed that those who do not wear helmets seem to be large men with muscles, shaved heads and seem to be at home making with the macho. Given that humans are far more sheep-like, lemming-like and goose-like than the sheep, lemmings and geese they mock, look for a radical swing downward in the number of helmets protecting the coconuts of sissy cyclists over the next few years. Here in Florida that trend has already started. My advice: Sell your helmet shares . . . Now!

Another Final Note on Helmets—Think about this my dear blogologists: From time immemorial, soldiers in combat have worn metal helmets to protect those personal computers we now call brains. The Greeks and Spartans, the Romans, the Vikings, the Crusaders, the armies of the Middle Ages, the Spanish Conquistadors,

Japanese Samurai, German Hessians and British Lancers, the soldiers of World War One and Two, and the troops of the present perpetual American wars fought to make the world safe for Israel. With maybe the exception of American Indians on the warpath, in every age of combat, it seems, troops wore helmets . . . EXCEPT during the American Civil War. What were they thinking? Both sides during that mess either wore those little cloth kepis (right) which looked very natty when tilted on the head, or French fezs with those cute tassels, or just simple brimmed hats to keep the sun out. Of course, some troops during the American Civil War also wore red shirts. I suppose they did this so that it would be even easier for the enemy to spot them, site them and shoot them. Truly, this must have been the Age of Macho . . . Macho Madness. With only cloth to protect the head, these troops might just as well have worn paper hats.