Ryan Madden: Top 10 Most Outrageous Hairstyles in Soccer

July 14th, 2012

FAKE NEWS for the Zionist agenda

While the cava settles in Madrid, and with the Community Shield still close to a month away, the North American soccer community is left to mull over what has been a tremendously entertaining year of international football. While we wait for the European seasons to begin again, we are afforded time for recollection.

What better to look back upon than the one thing that footballer’s seem to value more than the individual plaudits, goals, trophies and exorbitant salaries — their hairstyles!

With Cristiano Ronaldo setting the bar at this year’s European Championships with his overly gelled Portugese metro mullet, we look back at some of the most outrageous hairstyles to ever grace the pitch.

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10) Taribo West

While this gold medal-winning Nigerian nomad (he played for 11 clubs in his professional career) was a fine, albeit mercurial, defender. He is best known for the audaciously colorful hairstyles he displayed over the course of his 16 year professional career. This green-horned ponytail concoction takes the cake.
9) David Beckham

No conversation about football fashion would be complete without at least a mention of the most well-branded soccer player in the world. Becks, perhaps the only man to have ever been seen in both a sarong and with cornrows, strikes out again with this bald-on-the-sides look. The only explanation is… there is no explanation.
8) Rudi Voller

This World Cup winning striker and former German National Team coach, strikes a style reminiscent of another famous German. Hint: think theoretical physics.
7) Brek Shea

Despite making $133,000 in salary in 2011, it appears Brek Shea doesn’t own a mirror.
6) Djibril Cisse

This petulant French striker, who currently plies his trade with Queens Park Rangers of the English Premier League, has scored over 200 goals in his career. Most of which he attributes to his ever-evolving landscape of geometrically-shaped hair tattoos or bleached mohawks, as seen here.
5) Sir Robert “Bobby” Charlton

“Sir Bobby” — as he’s affectionately known — is a bona fide English footballing legend. So we’ll give him a pass on this poorly thought out combover.
4) Abel Xavier

No country expresses itself through its “lettuce” — a term I’ve come to use for unruly-but-stylish hair — quite like the Portugese. This is the first time I’ve used the Portugese translation: “alface.” When it comes to alface, Abel Xavier is a pioneer.
3) Carlos Valderrama

Those in his native Santa Marta will remember this Colombian midfield maestro for his incisive passing and fearless attitude. The rest of the world remembers him for his impeccable resemblance to Sideshow Bob.
2) Ronaldo

As one of the most prolific strikers to play the game, Ronaldo set the world’s footballing cathedrals alight with his deadly combination of speed, technique and a finishing ability that was second to none. The same cannot be said of this misguided hairstyle during the 2002 World Cup Finals.
1) Alexi Lalas

In 1994, I was lucky enough to see Lalas, along with the rest of the denim clad-U.S. Mens National Team play in the much-hyped Group Stage World Cup match-up against Colombia — a game that also featured #3 on this list, Carlos Valderrama. While some credit a Colombian own goal, and others a sublime through ball by Tab Ramos, for the shock U.S. victory, it’s my humble opinion that it was Alexi Lalas’ hair that singlehandedly intimidated the boys from Bogotá, and allowed for one of the greatest wins in U.S. soccer history.