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October 30th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
LOS ANGELES, CA—Get a load of this idiot! Rookie Christian James Hamperton made the classic mistake of praying God would teach him patience while attending church this Sunday, and now his week is filled with the most irritating little delays and annoyances.
What a rube!
Hamperton told reporters that he prayed on Sunday, “Lord, just grant me patience. I know I’m a bit of a jerk with a short temper sometimes. If you could just, you know, kind of magically give me patience without any kind of sanctification process whatsoever, that’d be great. OK, that’s about it. Amen!”
On the way home from church, his wife spilled her iced latte all over the front seat of his truck. He had to wait in a fifty-seven-minute-long line at In-N-Out (he counted), and the 405 was absolutely packed with traffic Monday morning (though that one probably wasn’t God as that’s just normal).
Finally, when he pulled into his neighborhood Thursday evening, Hamperton got stuck behind some moron who was driving a golf cart five miles per hour on a public street for some reason.
“Seriously?!” he cried out in frustration. “I didn’t ask for this! Well, I kind of did. But this isn’t what I meant! I just wanted the fruit of the Spirit handed to me. I didn’t want to have to learn it through trials and suffering.”
At publishing time, Hamperton had come up with the brilliant strategy of praying for impatience so God would put him in lots of situations where things happen really fast and efficiently.
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