QAnon pop quiz: How to rank American Presidents

January 16th, 2021

Awake Goy

There has been a lot of loose talk about American exceptionalism. In the aftermath of the last presidential election and the dramatic events of recent days culminating in the unprecedented attack on the Nation’s Capitol, it is high time for some serious soul-searching. What is the best way to begin the process of healing? Good question. But wait: What if the question itself is part of a vast conspiracy? Could it possibly be the patriotic duty of real Americans to prevent healing?

To help readers sort it out, I have taken it upon myself to construct a short quiz based on the kind of ideas and high-minded exhortations that can be found in the darkest corners of the internet and cable TV where people who rely on the mainstream media never dare to go.

[Please note: There are no trick questions. The same does not go for the answers. To find out how you did on the quiz, see the key at the bottom.]

1. No president has ever done more to make America great than:

A) Grover Cleveland

B) Chester A. Arthur

C) William Harrison

D) Franklyn Pierce

E) Donald Trump

2. The worst president in American history is:

A) John F. Kennedy

B) Jimmy Carter

C) William Clinton

D) Barack Obama

E) All of the above

3. All great leaders have a talent for:

A) draft-dodging

B) hate-mongering

C) race-baiting

D) rabble-rousing

E) All of the above

4. Name one president distinguished for setting a good example:

A) Jimmy Carter

B) Abraham Lincoln

C) Teddy Roosevelt

D) George Washington

E) Donald Trump

5. The best president in American history is:

A) George Washington

B) Abraham Lincoln

C) Theodore Roosevelt

D) Franklyn Delano Roosevelt

E) None of the above

6. As president, he redefined the emoluments clause:

A) Dwight Eisenhower

B) Woodrow Wilson

C) Franklyn D. Roosevelt

D) Harry Truman

E) Donald Trump

7. The most inspiring president in American history is:

A) George H.W. Bush

B) Calvin Coolidge

C) Herbert Hoover

D) Rutherford B. Hayes

E) None of the above

8. Name the most patriotic president in American history:

A) Andrew Johnson

B) Andrew Jackson

C) Thomas Harding

D) Ronald McDonald

E) Donald Trump

9. President Trump made America great again by :

A) Pretending a deadly pandemic was no big deal

B) Insulting foreign leaders

C) Seeking support of white supremacists

D) Inciting a mob to attack the Nation’s Capitol

E) All of the above

10, Name the only American president to be impeached twice:

A) That’s a trick question

B) Zachary Taylor

C) Fool me once, shame on you

D) Gerald Ford

E) Fake News!

Key

There are no correct answers, okay? If you answered “E” to all the questions, you may be a conspiracy theorist or a newly elected member of Congress. Either way, the truth is whatever you want it to be, whatever makes you feel good about yourself, and whatever you heard on Newsmax or read on Parler before it was taken down for being a threat to everything good and decent.

But, hey, stick to your guns, so to speak. If facts are inimical to your worldview and alternative reality is where you live, with any luck you, too, could win a free stay in a very secure place for the rest of your natural life. Good luck!