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February 26th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
MOSCOW—President Vladimir Putin has ordered the total withdrawal of his military from Ukrainian territory after Hollywood celebrities threatened to sing another version of John Lennon’s Imagine.
“This time it will be in Russian,” said comedian Will Ferrell. “And we will give no quarter!”
To show Putin they were not bluffing, a slate of medium to high-profile celebrities has already signed on to awkwardly sing the song. Many are returning from the original cringe-worthy production that was released during the early stages of the Coronavirus pandemic, but they will be joined by new annoying celebrities such as Jennifer Aniston and Neil Young.
Putin was quick to throw up his hands in disgust. “No, we will have none of that!” he said in a video message to the UN. “Have you no souls?” Putin then ordered an unconditional retreat to make sure that the celebrities’ song was never unleashed upon the world.
As Ukraine sees renewed peace, the celebrities wait on the sidelines—ready to sing together if Putin goes back on his word. They now stand watch like silent guardians over Eastern Europe, waiting for a day they hope never comes.
At publishing time, the celebs had confirmed the song will not be available on Spotify unless Joe Rogan’s podcast is pulled.
This woman – er, wymxn? – was pulled over for driving alone in the carpool lane. But she’s got a surefire way to get out of the ticket: her preferred pronoun is they!
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