‘Oh bacon, how could you?’: Twitter sizzles over UN report that processed meats cause cancer

October 26th, 2015

Awake Goy

Twitter went through all of Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief when faced with the daunting news.

Many were in denial.

The only way bacon will ever kill anyone is if a bartender ever tried to put any in my martini

— Simon Majumdar (@SimonMajumdar) October 26, 2015

WHO: “Bacon and sausage can cause cancer”
ME: “Well how bad can that really be”

— Ian Boudreau (@iboudreau) October 26, 2015

The most elaborate one came from the North American Meat Institute, an intimidatingly-named lobbying group.

Plenty of users were angry.

Oh, bacon. How could you? I gave you so much love and time, and this is how you repay us all??

— James Moran (@jamesmoran) October 26, 2015

Some tried to bargain.

Devastating that scientists say bacon causes cancer and we face the fact that we’ll have to give up science.

— paul bassett davies (@thewritertype) October 26, 2015

Then there was depression.

If bacon gives you cancer, that’s it. Bring on nuclear sodding apocalypse.

— Wings Over S******d (@WingsScotland) October 26, 2015

And finally acceptance.

With bacon-death imminent, there was gallows humor.

World Health Organization?

More like World HELL Organization for trying to ruin bacon, amirite?

(I am not rite, they are good at medicine)

— Hayes Brown (@HayesBrown) October 26, 2015

If sausage, bacon, and ham can cause cancer, I have no idea how I’ve made it 22 years without getting cancer.

— Josh Bishop (@joshbishop92) October 26, 2015

no my bacon cigarette startup is doing just fine why do you ask

— Warren Ellis (@warrenellis) October 26, 2015

Bacon causes cancer?

Well I’m going to try to eat it all so no one else has to suffer.

Not all heroes wear capes.

— Ol’ QWERTY Bastard (@TheDiLLon1) October 26, 2015

All the cool kids standing on a corner across the street from the school, eating bacon.

— Tim Siedell (@badbanana) October 26, 2015

Plenty saw a wider context.

The World Health Organization says bacon can cause cancer. How long do think it will be before Jews get accused of running it?

— Warren Holstein (@WarrenHolstein) October 26, 2015

Everyone devastated to learn that bacon causes cancer…except the Muslims, whose God helpfully gave them a heads up on this one.

— Angry Salmond (@AngrySalmond) October 26, 2015