Mormon Church To Lift Ban On Coffee, However Bacon To Be Banned

April 16th, 2016

Awake Goy

President Thomas S. Monson of the Mormon Church has some good news to deliver to the Mormon faithful at the church’s next General Conference in Salt Lake City, Utah. It’s so good that those in the know expect the congregation to be ‘buzzing.’

The Mormon church is lifting its centuries-old ban on coffee!

The President, who church members believe is a prophet who communicates directly with God, says he received a ‘direct revelation’ regarding the contentious hot beverage.

After praying in the Salt Lake Mormon Temple about the need to ‘extend to every worthy member of the church all of the privileges and blessings which they deserve and the world affords,’ it was revealed to the President that the church’s ban on coffee has ‘had its time.’

Ninth-generation Mormon Emma Taylor said she had heard rumours about the big coffee news.

‘I have never enjoyed a cup of coffee myself but I have always just loved the smell, so I am excited about the news,’ she said, adding that she also likes the smell of pipe tobacco.

The church ban on tobacco and alcohol remains in place, however, and the President is unequivocal that members are not permitted to ingest these substances. ‘Those two were not misnomers. Joseph Smith knew what he was doing.’

The Mormon church’s ban on coffee extends back to 1833 when Joseph Smith published the ‘Word of Wisdom,’ a health code that Mormons consider scripture. The text discourages ‘strong drink,’ as well as ‘non-medicinal use of tobacco’ and ‘hot drinks,’ long interpreted by member’s to mean coffee.

But not any more, as President Monson’s direct revelation means Mormons can begin enjoying this healthy, pleasant drink, just like the rest of the world.

However bacon is set to be added to the list of banned goods, with the church set to clamp down on consumption of the cured pork cut.

The Word of Wisdom states that ‘flesh of beasts and of the fowls of the air…are to be used sparingly.’ Unlike the injunctions against tobacco, alcohol and hot drinks however, compliance with this tenet has never been been made mandatory before the bacon ban.

Asked about the circumstances of Monson’s revelations, a church spokesman said, ‘We believe President Monson is continually in communication with the Lord.’

Preceding the General Conference announcement, President Monson has made the revelations known in a letter to high ranking regional priesthood leaders of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints throughout the world.