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May 2nd, 2021 
Awake Goy 
CINCINNATI, OH—A catcher for the Cincinnati Reds was ejected from a home game today after he was caught flashing several racist hand signals to the pitcher.
“We are shocked and saddened by this overt display of white supremacy from one of our players,” said MLB commissioner Rob Manfred. “This is not who we are. We stand with the BIPOC community who is no doubt feeling so much pain and trauma after being forced to see such horrific racism during one of our games.”
According to witnesses, Cincinnati catcher Bugs “Sluggo” O’Callahan flashed several evil hand signals during the game, including:
- The one-finger signal, which represents the desire for one race to reign supreme
- The two-finger signal, which represents one woman and one man in marriage
- The three-finger signal, a top-secret gesture meaning “white power”
- The fingers extended and joined signal, which means “Heil Hitler”
“This is ridiculous! Those signs mean ‘fast ball’, ‘curve ball’, ‘slider’, and ‘change up!'” said O’Callahan. “We’ve been using those signals forever! I did nothing wrong!”
After a month of anti-racist training and threats against his family and all else he held dear, he revised his statement, saying: “I apologize to all who were hurt by my insensitive hand gestures and I stand in solidarity with all who have experienced injustice at the hands of white supremacy.”
The entire Cincinnati Reds team has elected to amputate their hands to ensure this doesn’t happen in the future.
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