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March 28th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
Introverted Man Marries Extrovert Just So She Can Handle All His Awkward Social Situations
REDONDO BEACH, CA—Local introverted man Christopher Stern married an extroverted woman, Genevieve. He recently admitted to reporters that while he loves his wife, his primary motivation was having someone to handle all his potentially awkward, confrontational social situations.
“I love her with all my heart,” he said. “But, yeah, I’ve gotta admit — having someone to handle scenarios where I’m just screaming internally and want to run away is pretty great.”
Stern says whenever a restaurant gets his food order wrong, his wife is on it. “I usually will just say thanks and just eat the wrong meal.” But his wife won’t stand for it and immediately asks to speak to the manager, often getting their meals comped and all kinds of other perks just by being confident and extroverted.
She’s also great for handling door-to-door salesmen, unwanted sales calls on the telephone, and all kinds of small talk at church. “I haven’t talked to anyone at church in months,” he said. “They ask how we’re doing and she just launches into a full description of our lives while I pull out my phone. Sometimes my phone is dead, and I’m just staring at a blank screen. But she handles it like a pro.”
At publishing time, Stern had asked his wife to come into the office with him so she can make small talk with his coworkers, ask his boss for a raise, and deal with his more demanding clients.
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