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September 8th, 2023 
Awake Goy 
It’s 2023, and to paraphrase Tom Waits, every kitchen appliance you can think of is true. A toaster that steams your bread to keep it moist inside? Meet the Balmuda. An affordable pizza oven for your home that dishes out ‘za like you were in a New York slice shop? Ninja and Ooni have both got you covered. A machine that sits on your bar or counter and, uh, mixes cocktails for you from flavor pods? That’s the Bartesian, mate. It’s all out there.
How about a big wand that turns produce into soups and dips? No, this isn’t Harry Potter (though, yeah, he could probably do that). I’m talkin’ about immersion blenders, baby, and if you don’t have one in your kitchen, you’re living in the past. Pouring soup into an actual blender, and then back into a pot? Yeah, maybe in the 1500s, but we don’t need to live like that anymore.
To be sure, immersion blenders aren’t new—they’ve been around for decades at this point. Back in my cooking days, I remember spending long hours in the basement of a restaurant, chopping veggies and using an industrial immersion blender the size of a baseball bat to make sauces and dips. At home, after an event that we’ll just call “The Great Tortilla Soup Incident of 2018”—unrelated, but if you’re going to blend very hot soup in a countertop blender, make sure you have a ladder that can reach the ceiling—I went ahead and bought a mediocre immersion blender at Target. It could pretty much do what I wanted, but it wasn’t excessively powerful, and sometimes I had to reach weird angles to get everything blended the way I wanted it to. I kind of always felt like I needed a better one, so I lowkey kept my eye out for an upgrade.
Fast forward to soup season 2023. As this hot-as-hell summer begins to recede and we can once again wear vintage sweatshirts to the natural wine bar down the street, it’s time to start thinking about the liquid goodness that will constitute a great many of our meals for the next four months… and I’m not talkin’ about whiskey [insert canned audience laughter here]. If you’re like me and can’t wait for that next batch of tomato soup, spiced chickpea stew, pot of red beans (with a blended base, of course), or peanut stew, you need to pay attention to what I’m about to tell you. Because soup season is important, it’s upon us, and it’s a sign that you should get an immersion blender.
My blending game has been upped again, people. I recently tested out Vitamix’s immersion blender, and am happy (but not surprised) to say that it is worthy of the Vitamix name, which you might know from your (or your friend’s or favorite restaurant’s) incredible, magnificent, life-changing blender. In this persuasive Pulitzer-worthy essay about why Vitamixes are so good, VICE contributor Greer Glassman said that the Vitamix is “the Harley Davidson of blenders.” I needed to see whether the same could be true of the brand’s immersion blender.
Aren’t all immersion blenders pretty similar, though?, one might ask. You’d think so, but, no, they definitely aren’t. To compare, the Vitamix blender is 625 watts of power, while my previous immersion blender was only 180 watts. I’m no physicist, but that seems like the difference between, like, a PT Cruiser (no disrespect—it’s a vibe) and a Ferrari. (Or the difference between Fast & Furious Presents: Hobbs & Shaw and Michael Mann’s Ferrari starring Adam Driver.) And when you use it, you can tell—I’ve blended everything from marinara to hummus to various soups with this thing, and it’s smooth as hell. First, it blends quickly, and it almost immediately gets an extremely consistent texture throughout whatever you’re making. It’s also hella easy to use, due to its one-handed, trigger-style blending; my last immersion blender made you twist it like a bottle to start, which was annoying and inefficient, especially if you were holding, you know, a large receptacle full of tomatoes or beans in the other hand.
The thing about immersion blenders is that, as a prep tool, they should be very easy to put together, take apart, and clean; with most of them, you twist the motor onto the arm with the blades and it’s immediately ready. I always like using immersion blenders, because you can be powering it up within like eight seconds of deciding you need it, and after a quick rinse, you’re done. For pizza, I usually hand-crush some San Marzano tomatoes, but doing a recent Detroit-style pizza, I wanted something blended with tomato paste and spices. I dumped a can of tomatoes and about a tablespoon of tomato paste into the accompanying blending jar, added some a ton of oregano, garlic powder, salt, and pepper in, and smashed the blend button a couple times on a lower setting, wanting to pulse it, but not make it into a straight liquid. Within seconds, I had a thicker, perfectly consistent sauce. When you get a sauce blended the right way like that, the flavors are more powerful, IMO, because they’re evenly distributed. The same thing was true of a recent marinade I made for some roasted cauliflower—this thing straight up annihilated a jar full of green onions, chipotle peppers, honey, a bunch of spices, sherry vinegar, and some other ingredients. For this one, I wanted it really smooth, and it got there quickly.
This bad boy has five speeds, while most competitors have between two and four; and it has a super convenient bell-style guard to keep the flow smooth and protect your beloved pots and pans. Trying to avoid soupy hummus? Don’t like mad thick lentil soup? You can easily find the right setting for it. It’s sleek, powerful, and fun to use, and it’s something you’ll be proud to have. Plus, this blender just has that perfect sexy-industrial look to it, so you’re going to look and feel like you’re about to be featured on Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives.
Think of Vitamix’s immersion blender as a magic wand that quickly turns tomatoes, beans, and onions into bowls of velvety delight so that you can have your cozy little solo soup date and watch The Office with a bottle of wine for the fourth night this week (or make hummus or pasta for 20 people). Also, you can buy the blender solo, which is $25 off on Amazon right now—because they know soup season is upon us—or spring for the bundle, which includes a whisk and a blending jar, in case you’re into making whipped cream and other sweet treats.
Feel free to send over your blog or newsletter documenting all the soup you make with this thing.
Find the Vitamix Immersion Blender on Amazon.
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