I have a confession to make …

July 27th, 2020

Awake Goy

By / Ashraf Ezzat

At last, I have the courage to do it

To confess … to undress

To reveal my own hidden secrets

Actually, I wouldn’t call them secrets

Because whether they are exposed or not, they will not be of interest to anyone … Nobody at all, and don’t feel sorry for me

For I don’t deserve your pity … nor your sympathy

Thus in that sense, secrets is a bit of an exaggeration

So, after all those years …

After so many wasted days, meaningless hours and dreary minutes …

After my hair turned grey …

After my heart turned black … crimson black, to be specific … don’t ask me why

I believe some of you are smart enough to figure out why my heart still has a crimson tint

But don’t get me wrong …

When I say, I will confess

For, I am not Christian…

Nor a Jew …

Nor Muslim …

I am not Buddhist nor embrace Hinduism …

And, no, I’m not an atheist, even though, I was once one. But that did not last too long … it did not work for me after all …

I am … but a naked man … born naked, … will die naked

I’m one who used to rise with the sun every day radiating with glimpses of flickering vivid dreams & high hopes …

What granted me the royal honor of accompanying my Lord “Re” in his solar barque every morning is that I’m a proud & faithful Pagan …

Maybe one of the last followers of ancient Egyptian traditions ( hate the western word “Pagan” — for it had been coined by the deluded early Jews and Christians and reinforced by the totally clueless Muslims afterwards)

The daily (Resurrection) rise of our creator (Re) has always awakened inside my heart an overwhelming ocean of unfulfilled lust…

Lust for everything divine; love, compassion, sex, creativity and completion of another cycle of life

Often times I miss the sunrise, actually, a lot lately …. that’s when I feel like I’m a naked man with a broken compass, climbing a mountain I have never seen before

A mountain, so high, I can’t see its top

Still, I aimlessly carry on … with a sense of meaningless …

I am as low and dirty as a fly

And , I am as high and all mighty as God

Who knows maybe God is in the fly and in me …

Maybe I am God … or maybe not

One thing I have no doubt about is that we have created our own false gods

… And in doing so, we have come to perpetrate a lot of deceptive acts & unnecessary wars & genocides

Our organized religions are the product of organized crimes

They were founded to “divide and control” – the notorious & never failing formula for certain & profitable results

Those so-called religions were not revealed by heaven

Up there, you could only find clouds (passing by unwary of us) and travelling flocks of birds

leaving behind a long line of their droppings on our holy shrines and books …

That’s mainly why I detest mediocrity

Back to my confession …

For, if I don’t do it now …

I don’t think, I’ll ever do it again

To begin with… I confess that I am a coward

I never had the guts to make the right choices

Though, most often they were crystal clear to me …

I confess that, every choice I made

Throughout my life had been glaringly wrong

I got into the wrong (brain-washing machine) or so-called college…

I had studied some sciences/dogmas I detest till now

I hung around with the wrong stupid guys

Most of the times, I couldn’t stick around them more than 10 minutes … maybe less

I hate mediocrity …

Never could grow over the feeling of unease around most people … I was often & rapidly distressed … if not aggressive

That’s why … I never had friends … ever

Most of all, never had a girlfriend … something that truly brings me to tears whenever it crosses my mind

I liked many girls … but growing in a so-called conservative community is like doing time in jail …

Isolated and locked behind bars of steel ( made by ancient traditions) that doesn’t melt or bend in fire. only humans do, chained humans, they fry in man-made hell on earth

So many nights in my dreams, I fantasize that I become like Gauguin and found his paradise in a faraway island and lived in ecstasy of sensual fulfillment with a gorgeous 13-year- old Teha’amana

Pure, free, beautiful and reviving like virgin nature

I admit that, in my home country, I have no human rights as an adult …and when I was a kid I couldn’t have a cone of ice cream when I craved for it

That’s why I long for my Teha’amana

But currently, all teenage girls view me like some kind of “uncle figure”

Even though we are not related …

I look in the mirror. Can’t disregard the faint wrinkles and eye bags around my eyes …

Maybe it ‘s the mirror. No …. don’t be foolish …. it ‘s the new me, or rather the older me, to be precise.

A couple of years ago … none of that was in the mirror

I hate growing old …

But who says I’m growing old … The fact is I’m growing wiser

But, wiser never meant you can’t think crazy or feel young …

I always hated mediocrity…

Still I was at all times surrounded/stifled by it

I always loved filmmaking, history and literature…

Instead I got myself drowned and sunk to the teeth in a sea of chemistry & anatomy …dreadful stuff

The music of Chopin, Mozart and Bach, always brought some peace of mind to me …and yeah, so did the sweet smile of my mother …

Films by Kurosawa, Coppola and Fellini brought back some serenity & magic to my soul

I had graduated from the wrong college …

I stupidly & insistently banged on the door of the wrong career

Accepted the wrong job & title…

Throughout my twenties and thirties …

I was only a cog in the system’s giant wheel

Trying my best to make a living …yeah, make a living…

I didn’t know what that meant at the time … they say putting food on the table and having a roof over your head, is what making living is all about …

Little did I know then, that I was making money, a lot of it, not for me … But for the system … and the so called oligarchs of society

They had consumed my youthful energy to make their wealth swell … and my dreams shrink

And as my dreams, and actual ambitions shrunk by the day … So did my health, for I ended up with a gastric ulcer like my father, except that my ulcer was carcinogenic …

The whole thing the whole system was sickening and malignant …

I was making a living by doing what I hated most …

Meeting endless deadlines and achieving non-stop targets

Actually, I was not making a living …

I was (in a sort of slow motion) committing suicide…

Yes, I hated mediocrity ….

Then it was time to get married…

I got married to the wrong girl …

She was & still is a decent girl/woman … but

I was not meant to get married at all … especially not to her

But I once again made another terrible decision & and took the wrong turn

Ignoring many signs … that were staring me in the face

I instead had followed my physiological nature and needs … while completely ignoring what’s left of the flickering light in my heart

I hate mediocrity …

Afterwards, it was time to have a child …

A lovely boy …

But he grew up to be somebody whom I hardly know …

or even understand…

Was it generation gap …or was it the gap I had created long before my only child was conceived?

Now me & my wife sleep in separate rooms …

Me & my son live in different worlds …

Oh, how I hate mediocrity …

The only thing that kept me going … that offered a bit of happiness in my life is my mother & and her unconditional love

… Her never-ending sacrifice and support

My late mother, that is … for she died in February, 2018

February 21^st, 2018 … at 2.12 pm …

She fell lifeless in front of my eyes

She fell after a few seconds of agonizing struggle with the phantom of death ( otherwise known as massive pulmonary embolism)

She collapsed to the ground … silent … with a strained frown … and a terribly incriminating look in her eyes … as if she held me responsible for her unexpected departure

… After all, I was a Medical Doctor, something she was proud of. She kind of felt secure to have a doctor around her at all times, her own son.

My poor mom believed I was capable of warding off the phantom of death if suddenly, by any means, loomed near her

To tell the truth … my mother was not ready to die

She did not see that phantom coming … nor did I, and for that I should (in a way) be held responsible

My dear mother … loved life (though it was not much of a life …)

But she hated the thought of dying and going to a place she, and all of us, know nothing about

Fear lies in the unknown, like the devil in the details …

The afterlife is so scary … because it is and will always be unknown … except for my ancient Egyptian ancestors. Why wasn’t I born during the time of Ramses the Great?

My dearest mom was not ready to die …

But I was …

I had always wished I was the one who fell to the ground lifeless on February 21^st, 2018

Death is always smiling at me in an unnerving way

And I smile back … in the most calming & inviting manner

For I don’t fear the unknown

My whole life has all been about the unknown, the unexpected, the unplanned for and the remotely enjoyable to me

My whole life has been about stupid and needless choices

My life has been lifeless from the very beginning…

And I only got myself to blame …

My whole life has been like a big colored balloon filled with make-believe …everything

Oh, how much I hate mediocrity …