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January 21st, 2023 
Awake Goy 
If you’re a dude living on your own for the first time (or a self-proclaimed man-child) your apartment could probably use some zhuzhing; you want your abode to be your best wingman, not the thing that gives that hot girl you somehow managed to woo “the ick.” Seriously, your wits and charm may be enough to get her through the door, but your pile of dirty clothes and mattress on the floor could result in her getting a case of the gotta-gos. That crate you found on the street is not a nightstand, and no matter how much you love Pink Floyd, that giant thumb-tacked poster isn’t doing you any favors. But, don’t fret, OK? This hot girl is about to give you all the tips for turning your messy space into a certified bachelor pad.
Sadly, there’s no 30-day retreat to help combat mattress-on-the-ground syndrome. It’s more of a gradual lifestyle change—a literal investment in your future, if you will. The easiest way to get started on this “adulting” journey? Securing some quality—dare we say chic—furniture and art (that's still very affordable on a sk8r boi budget). Lucky for you, we put together a list of some of our favorite pieces that are sure to help get that mattress (and your home’s self esteem) off the ground.
Step 1: It’s time you owned a bed frame
They really aren’t that expensive these days! Well, some are—but baby steps, people. Remember, anything is better than your sheets touching the floor, so as long as your mattress is resting atop one of these bad boys, you can count it as a win. All you really need is $50 and some motivation to kickstart your grown-up apartment journey, but we also found some aesthetic options, if you’re ready to dive in head first.
A “nightstand” is not, in fact, a skateboard trick
Where else are you gonna put empty bottles of Modelo and that copy of The Stranger you skimmed once in college? A nightstand is the next step toward a full-blown adult room, and is a serious upgrade from using a cardboard box or the floor to hold all the essentials (condoms and lube, obvi).
That pile of clothes on “the chair” has become sentient
It also has an accent you can’t place. (Québécois?) Anyway, before you start filing it as a dependent (“The IRS will know I had good intentions!”) grab a roll of quarters and a large hamper that has plenty of room and will fill up slowly, since we know you’re only really doing laundry once a month. Maybe.
Take down the Barstool flag
You know what? Take down all of the flags, tapestries, and posters that may have once adorned a college dorm room or childhood bedroom. It’s about time to put up some grown-up art (or, at the very least, a Japanese version of the Taxi Driver poster to make you look more worldly). At the very least cop a few frames to snazz up whatever’s on your wall.
A place for your three shirts
Well, four, if you count that lacrosse pinnie. (We don’t.) Dressers and armoires are perfect for getting all your crap off the ground (especially if you don’t have a closet). You’ll have “so much room for activities,” and it'll be a great place to line up empty bottles of liquor when you panic and have a frat-house/art-kid home-decor relapse.
Really tie the room together
Rugs really can change the entire vibe of a room. And, let’s be real, you’re not mopping those hardwood floors. Cover up those dingy floors with something soft for your hungover feet to land on when you finally crawl out of bed on Sunday.
Add some mood lighting
Trust us, no one wants to smash under bright fluorescent lighting. Do your dirty apartment (and everyone) a favor by adding some subtle lighting that will definitely set the mood, if you know what I mean. Make sure to have an easily reachable light on your nightstand…
And for common eras, go with a floor lamp for maximum ambiance (set it up with a color-changing, app-controlled bulb if you like to mix things up for home-watching-Netflix night versus date night).
Cheers to the new lease on life, boys. [Cracks a Tecate.]
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. VICE may receive a small commission if you buy through the links on our site.
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