Have You Seen the Hilarious ‘To Protect and Serve’ Video by Relic Yet?

January 19th, 2016

Awake Goy

When I first began watching this video I momentarily was transported to the Old West-themed section of an amusement park and waiting in line to ride a tame roller coaster through a ‘haunted mine’. Once I regained my bearings, I realized I was in the midst of an Epic Rant by a skilled performer with a sharp mind. ‘Relic’ uses a strange mixture of old-timey language with flourishes of weaponized verbosity. He juxtaposes humor with facts and biting criticism with the absurd.

Often CopBlock.org supporters and critics alike will complain about our use of humor in addressing a serious issue. It is implied that we are being too irreverent to be taken seriously. Yet this accusation is meaningless on many levels. Humor has long been the honey that washes down the vinegar of social criticism. The greatest comedians and humorists of all time did just that. Another way in which it is not a valid criticism is that the critic is projecting their own response onto other individuals. If you don’t like it, no biggie. But that does not mean that it will not appeal to other people who were formerly undecided, or more resistant, to our message. Personally, I am not tied to any method, so long as it is peaceful and aims towards my goal of abolishing all aggressive and non-voluntary forms of authority.

So if you know someone who is still somehow supporting police, consider using new techniques, like humor, to break through to them. Even if you personally find it distasteful. You may not break through right away, but you may cause a few cracks where the seeds can get in and grow should the soil ever prove fertile enough. And if humor is the way you usually share the message, try serious. Try, and invent your own, new methods of spreading the message- because you never know what might work. Perhaps you will choreograph some interpretive synchronized swimming that convinces just one more person to join our growing ranks of those dissent against the aggression of the state and its enforcers. Film a pornographic parody of police that makes them look like the narcissistic maniacs they are, or open a burrito stand with police-critical themed menu items.

“Yes, I would like an NYPD Choker Chalupa with extra I Can’t Breath Sauce, please. And also an order of Feared For My Life Fritatas with Profiling Pico and a large Harassment Horchata.”

There are ways to fight the police state that none of us have imagined yet which might land the final blow. Maybe you are the person destined to find that method. Creativity is our most potent tool. And you could be the Michelangelo of kicking tyrannies sorry ass.

Click above to find out how you can help us on our mission in a variety of different ways at the CopBlock Network.

Below is a full transcript of the video, just in case you had any trouble with the audio or voice.

Well hello everyone, it’s your old friend relic coming to you today from my little log cabin on the cold northern shores of upper Lake Canada.

I got a riddle for ya today-

Whats the difference between a terrorist and a police officer?

Well, one of them is heavily armed, dresses up with a funny costume, uses threats and intimidation against ordinary people, seems to have little regard for human life, and the other ones a terrorist.

Well..the cops you see. They’re not your run of the mill imaginary terrorists, you know? They’re the kind you are always hearing about on FOX News.

You know the ones. Sneakin’ around every airport with a backpack full of Qurans and indestructible passports. Or hiding under every God-fearing American Patriot’s bed, ready to jump out in the name of Allah Akbar, blowin’ their underwear to smithereens. No sir-eee.

The police are a special kind of terrorist, see? In that they’re sanctioned by the state. Seems like wearing a shiny badge gives them a license to officially terrorize everyone in the name of the law. It’s kinda like being mandated to protect and serve the life outta ya. Ya catch my drift?

Have ya been readin’ the news lately? Just last month some deranged Pennsylvania cop blew away a family’s pet cat with a shotgun. Just for hissing at him. And now the Pennsylvania Police force is requiring that its members carry around plastic spray bottles. You see, to protect themselves against any rogue felines with ‘terroristic sympathies’. And I suppose the bottle will also come in handy when, whenever the police need to quickly wash some innocent bystander blood from their hands.

Now I’m not implying that cops are genuinely stupid, per se, but lets just say that they’re not the most gifted present under the tree. I imagine that if their IQ was combined and measured on the thermometer- hell, we’d probably all freeze to death. The Federals in Connecticut recently denied a man’s application to join the police force because his IQ was TOO high.

Well you know times are bad when you find yourself in serious trouble when you are probably safer not calling the police. Did you know that your average American citizen is fifty times more likely to die at the hands of a police officer than terrorist? And if your skin color happens to be a lighter shade darker than pale milk paste, the odds of being gunned down by the uniformed donut muncher almost double.

In there seems little point really, talkin’ bout a few bad apples on the force, when the entire tree is riddled with disease. I s’pose we can’t put all the blame on the coppers themselves though. Heck, it’s like my young nephew with his much beloved Jesus used to say, “Forgive them uncle, for they know not what they do.”

I mean, imagine the only thing you’re really good at in life is following orders. But then the people who happen to be giving the orders were, well how do I put this gently…they’re all a bunch of remorseless, quasi-human, psychopathic maniacs. You know, like the leaders of the free world. Perhaps it would be more beneficial for us to channel our righteous indignation towards those particular individuals that hired these frustrated bullies to enforce their totalitarian laws in the first place.

So how about some old-time, down-homey advice- Next time you hear the words ‘blue lives matter’, forget about the twenty-first century gestapo goons masquerading as protectors of the public good, and instead let’s remember those cute little Smurfs and all the joy and happiness they bring to the world. That way, when you do hear a knock on the door, or in the middle of the night, be grateful that its just Grandpa Smurf borrowing a cup of sugar and not some pepper spray wielding Gargamel decked out in riot gear. Yeah, that’ll fix ’em. Fix ’em good.

Well, it looks like its time for me to make like horse manure and hit the trail. So until the next time kids, its your old friend Relic here throwing another log on the fire and saying- Always remember, keep your feet on the ground and your eyes on the stars.