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December 29th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
WORLD—In a genius marketing move, the common cold has rebranded itself as ‘Omicron’ to garner some of that sweet coronavirus attention.
“I’ll be honest, I was getting kind of jealous,” said the common cold. “At first I thought—‘Hey, this covid thing will pass and I’ll be back in the spotlight. I outlasted the Black Plague and I can survive this’…but now that coronavirus is endemic I had to go after its market share.”
The shift into ‘Omicron’ branding hasn’t changed the common cold, however. Experts agree the common cold still has the same classic symptoms. It just sounds scarier and can be used to push government totalitarianism in perpetuity without the need for expensive testing.
“It’s saving us a lot of money,” said the venerable Dr. Anthony Fauci. “We may even retroactively impose mask mandates on society. It’s just too soon to tell.”
Attorneys representing COVID-19 have filed a suit alleging copyright infringement, but the common cold doesn’t think that’ll go anywhere in the courts. “It’s nothing personal, it’s just business,” said the cold. “Covid’s gotta’ get over itself.”
Sources indicate COVID-19 is developing a new strain known as ‘Super Duper Death’ in response to the aggressive actions of its competitor. The strain should be ready to go just as people let their guard down on Memorial Day weekend.
RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon, EIC Kyle Mann, and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, the Metaverse, and how the left is killing comedy.
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