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September 9th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom made headlines in recent months for running campaign-style ads in Florida inviting migration to the Golden State. Amid energy shortages and blackouts, Newsom continued the onslaught this week with a new slate of ads targeting states where people are still able to turn on their TVs because their states have electricity.
“Your state’s values are hateful and bigoted, but there’s still time – leave your conservative hellhole and come to the great state of California today!” Frost is visible on Newsom’s breath in his well-air-conditioned office during the ads, which have been running throughout sunbelt states including Texas and Florida. California residents have been sweating in their dark homes due to having turned off their TVs and A/C in compliance with the state’s guidelines, so they have been unable to see the ads.
“Leave your backwater and come on over to our state, flowing with milk and honey – we’re a land of plenty, and sometimes you can charge your phone!” In his second campaign ad, Newsom spoke from a well-landscaped backyard, gesturing to the lush greenery to illustrate the state’s abundance. While analysts say this could upset California residents who have obediently abandoned their formerly well-manicured yards in compliance with the state’s instructions about not watering their plants, the risk of backlash is minimal since parts of California have been hit with rolling blackouts and people cannot watch their TVs.
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis has struck back with his own ad, which residents of his state were able to see since they have electricity. The ad touts how Florida kept the schools open, let people continue to work their jobs, and preserved religious freedom. California residents again could not be reached for comment, however, since they still had no electricity.
At publishing time, Florida’s nursing home residents had begun to express interest in vacationing in California but were disappointed when they could not reach their elderly friends in the state because they had died when their life support machines powered off due to the state’s exhausted power grid.
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