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August 24th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
U.S.—After an intense period of testing on 200 million guinea pigs throughout the U.S. and some very fancy lobster dinners with Pfizer executives, the Food and Drug Administration finally approved the Pfizer vaccine, and then knocked on some nearby wood just in case.
“I dunno, I guess we can just approve it now,” said FDA researchers. “No one has turned into a zombie, at least that we know of, and all the tracking chips seem to be in perfect working order. Besides, can you imagine what would happen if we suddenly told millions of people who have already taken it that it was unsafe? Yikes! I guess we can just approve this puppy!”
“Hopefully nothing terrible will happen! Knock on wood! Haha!”
The FDA then got out the very official ceremonial rubber stamp that they only use on very special occasions, dipped it in official red ink, and then stamped the little paper that said “Pfizer COVID-19 Vaccine” on the top of it to prove to the world that the vaccine was very very safe and there was nothing to worry about.
“With lady luck on our side, everything will be ok!” said the FDA Commissioner as everyone chuckled nervously. “Why you could practically drink this stuff!”
The American people report feeling very relieved that the vaccine is approved and expressed the desire to wait until the other two vaccines are approved before they make a decision.
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