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March 1st, 2022 
Awake Goy 
KYIV—After successfully equipping the Ukrainians with Starlink terminals to help them access the internet amid waves of Russian cyberattacks, Elon Musk announced he was also delivering a special surprise to help Ukrainians defend their nation.
“I have authorized the delivery of our latest Cybertruck variant designed for military use: the Cybertank,” said Musk. “The tanks will shoot fire instead of artillery shells because that’s just cool. Fire is cool. I mean, who wouldn’t want an electric tank that shoots fire, right?” Musk then laughed awkwardly.
The Cybertank delivery marks Musk’s latest effort to do everything a world power or multi-nation alliance can do—such as defending the freedom of an allied nation—except way cheaper and more awesome.
“I don’t like to make weapons, but I didn’t see any world governments offering to defend Ukraine with bulletproof flamethrower tanks from the future that can go 500 miles on a single charge, so I figured I should probably do something about that,” he said.
As a special bonus, every tank will come preloaded with a set of custom sound effects that can automatically yell obscenities at Russian warships. Cool!
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