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July 18th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
FARGO, ND—Local demon Asmodeus has been cast out of yet another church in rural North Dakota after terrorizing the church members for several weeks. Before spreading his charred wings to fly off to the next town, he complained to local reporters that exorcisms just aren’t the same since they started doing them in English instead of Latin.
“Ey there, ya nasty spirit,” began Father Okanoke in his heavy Fargo accent. “What tha heck ya doin’ around ‘ere? This ain’t the appropriate place to be, ya know? Oh geez—better get on out to the next town, ey? I’ll cast ya out, you betcha!”
As the priest held out a crucifix and recited his own folksy version of the incantation, the evil spirit shrugged and shuffled out to the door with his head down.
“Whatever—I’ve been cast out before. Same deal as always.” said the malevolent servant of the Prince of Darkness. “But seriously—what happened to tradition? What happened to respect for the beauty of the ancient rite of exorcism spoken in traditional Latin? English just isn’t the same, you know? Would it kill people to learn a little Latin? Good grief!”
According to sources, the demon will be moving to somewhere he’ll feel more welcome, like Washington D.C.
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