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December 24th, 2020 
Awake Goy Commentary
In this strangest of years, we offer you our annual Right Wing Watch Christmas sampler of the gifts available from some of the organizations and personalities on which we train our collective gimlet eye.
If this year’s list seems particularly dystopian, it could be due to the fact that we are living in dystopia. Included are items from a group whose lead personality prides himself on defying public health rules regarding the coronavirus by conducting—in the middle of cities—tightly-packed, high-energy concerts populated by maskless people enthusiastically dancing and singing. Then there’s that club of sad young and not-so-young men who seek to assert their masculinity through thuggery, apparently having failed at other measures.
If our sense of humor this year seems a bit more rueful than usual, we humbly beg your pardon. It’s been a tough year with more hard times ahead. However, we look to future with hope, and will return to our mission with renewed vigor in the new year, grateful for your attention and contribution to making the world a better place.
‘DONALD BUILDS THE WALL’ – If you’re raising a little Trumper, what better tool could you hope for than this children’s book from right-wing radio talker Eric Metaxas and illustrator Tim Raglin? The book’s main character has yellow hair styled in a familiar coif, but rendered as sort of a cross between Hannah-Barbera’s Bam-Bam and Dudley Do-Right of “Rocky and Bullwinkle” fame.
Conceived as part of Metaxas’ “Donald the Caveman” series, the book’s cover shows Donald Bam-Bam swathed in an American flag, arranged in a fetching one-shoulder look, and bearing a club inscribed with the words, “We the People,” while leaning on the wall. On the other side of the wall there are what may be cariactures of Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Sen. Bernie Sanders, both of the left, in apparent states of distress in the clutches of a blue dinosaur wearing reading glasses.
From the jacket copy:
“After Donald the Caveman drained the Swamp and the greedy Swamp Creatures fled, the cave people were free! So all kinds of great things began to happen. They invented fire and the wheel — and their economy was booming!
“Soon folks from other kingdoms began arriving to join the winning experiment in liberty! Most were freedom-loving, but some only caused trouble. And then the awful Swamp Creatures decided to put together a caravan of troublemakers to come back and take over the country! What should the free people do? Donald knew the answer…
“BUILD… THE… WALL!!!”
The autographed hardcover is yours for a mere $19.00.
OFFICIAL WHITE HOUSE ‘ACQUITTED FOR LIFE’ COIN – Looking for a slightly passive-aggressive gift for a MAGA believer in the family? The White House gift shop has you covered with a “historic moments” coin commemorating President-reject Donald Trump’s acquittal in his Senate impeachment trial. The “limited edition” coin, which will set you back $125, features a grinning Trump holding a copy of the Washington Post and the phrase “Acquitted for Life.” On the reverse is “Keep America Great,” which may have sounded like a great campaign slogan before Trump’s catastrophic failure to manage the COVID-19 pandemic. Other awkward possibilities: a coin celebrating the administration’s COVID-19 Task Force or one commemorating Trump’s three Supreme Court justices, who were once celebrated by MAGA world but are now reviled for failing to overturn Biden’s victory.
A CIGAR IS JUST A CIGAR … UNTIL RUDY – Now, if you’re one of those more cosmopolitan-type Trumpers, you may frequently find yourself thinking, WWRD? (“What would Rudy do?”) Well, the answer seems to be to buy cigars from the Famous Smoke Shop, and hoard some gold. Bonus: If you get your cigars from Famous, you’ll get $20 off your first order with the RUDY20 code. Tip of the hat to the folks at The Recount:
Rudy Giuliani is doing ads for cigars & gold coins on his YouTube channel. pic.twitter.com/K7xS3lGViy
— The Recount (@therecount) December 17, 2020
SUPER-SPREADING SAVIOR – What better way to celebrate the birth of Jesus than by using his name to mock public health officials’ efforts to prevent the spread of a virus that has killed 323,000 Americans and more than 1.7 million people worldwide? This “Jesus Christ Super-Spreader” T-Shirt is being promoted by missionary, musician, and failed congressional candidate Sean Feucht, who has been traveling the U.S., holding large sing-and-dance worship events that have flouted social distancing guidelines and alarmed public health officials. Bonus opportunity to show off the shirt if the recipient lives in Los Angeles, where hospitals may be running out of room, but Feucht is planning a blowout “Let Us Worship!” event on New Year’s Eve. Only $32.00 from Feucht’s website.
FOR THE ANGRY MAN IN YOUR LIFE – You may have thought that the neo-fascist fight club known as the Proud Boys had been kicked off the internet for good, what with their ban by Twitter, and their website being ditched by Google. But, nah, you can still get your Proud Boys merch, thanks to the roguish web-hosting service Cloudflare. For just $40.00 each, these include a tee shirt emblazoned with an image of people being tossed out of a helicopter, and another featuring a drawing of a pile of bullets topped by the words, “Kill Your Local Pedophile.” And since the contagion of the QAnon movement basically asserts that everyone who opposes the current occupant of the White House is a pedophile, the shirt itself is quite the ominous threat. But ha, ha—all meant in knuckleheaded fun.
WHICH PEOPLE WE TALKIN’ ABOUT HERE? With at least a few more months of enforced family togetherness ahead, games are a great way to pass the time. The Christmas catalog of Christian-nation “historian” David Barton’s Wallbuilders suggests the “We the People” board game, which provides fun for the whole family while indoctrinating children in a right-wing worldview. A pursuit, it seems, deemed worthy by some of its $58 price. “Laugh-out-loud as players vicariously live the hilarious consequences of social justice and an intrusive government,” the game promises. Social justice cards “illustrate the consequences of big, progressive government so players can clearly recognize modern-day tyranny.” In case you’re wondering, the game defines social justice as “the process of creating equality among individuals by regulating wealth and opportunity to achieve an unrealistic ‘fairness’ among the population.” Sample “Social Justice” card: “The Family First Freedom commission determines that the PB&J sandwich found in your kid’s lunch is not up to code. Pay $1,000 for sack lunch training.” Hilarious!
MAKING MERRY CHRISTMAS GREAT AGAIN, AGAIN – Alveda King, an anti-abortion activist and member of the leadership council of the Trump-supporting POTUS Shield network, has produced a five-song Christmas EPwhose title, “Merry Christmas ‘Again’” was inspired by Trump’s claims that thanks to his efforts, Americans were saying Merry Christmas again. (Remember the Obama years, when Christmas was driven underground and Christmas carols were banned from shopping malls?) Beauty, of course, is in the eye—or ear—of the beholder, so we can’t say how often you’ll really want to cue this one up, even if it’s only $9.99. If you find yourself wanting more Alveda, you could drop $24.99 for her book, “Why Trump? Memoirs of a Journey of Faith, Hope and Love.” One of the “gifts” King gave the rest of us this year was her goddaughter, Angela Stanton-King, who got a pardon from Trump with help from Alveda’s connections and then ran for Congress as a QAnon-spouting, anti-choice, anti-LGBTQ culture warrior.
LEGEND IN HIS OWN MIND – Jack Posobiec fans have an exciting new piece of merch from the dirty-trickster side of the GOP: an action-packed comic book featuring their man as a James Bond-type secret agent, with his sidekick, Agent Cassandra Fairbanks. From the promo copy for “Agent Poso Task Force AEGIS Issue #1” (which can be yours for $25):
Set ten years in the future a global threat has arisen, and the President must turn to those he can trust. An off-the-books team that works directly for him, in the shadows. For the most sensitive missions, he calls upon Agent Poso and TASK FORCE AEGIS…
Together with Agent Draino, Agent Tay, and Agent Fairbanks the Task Force takes on the NO FAIL missions that the President assigns Tier One.
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So, there you have nine unique gifting/grifting opportunities for, well, someone—hopefully not you. For you, we wish a Happy Holiday Season. Yes, no one will take “Happy Holidays” from us. Ever.
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