Christina Hobbs: 13 Beautiful Bastards From Literature And Film

February 19th, 2013

FAKE NEWS for the Zionist agenda

We’ve all met that man. That man. The intimidating one. The gorgeous one. The one, who’s so pretty we do that side-eyed staring where we totally aren’t actually staring (but yes, we totally are)? And then he opens his mouth and he’s a smart ass on top of it? Or surly? Or, maybe even worse, completely silent? We want to punch him for being so beautiful, and then yank him by his collar down onto the closest flat surface.

Just us?

Writing Beautiful Bastard ($15, Gallery Books) was a wildly fun ride that let us live in the head of a hot bastard for a little while. Writing Bennett Ryan was a little like playing a game together: How far can we push it and still have people love him? (Or at least want to rip his clothes off.) Sometimes we couldn’t believe the things he said, the things Chloe said back, and how the two of them turned into this crazy force of nature when they got near each other. Although we always say the bad boys aren’t the ones you really want to marry, no matter how snarky Bennett is we can’t help but want to take him home with us.

What is it about the beautiful bastards that lure us in anyway? Is it as simple as knowing that smoldering impatience or sharp tongue will translate into something unreal in the bedroom? Or is it the fantasy that a man who holds everyone and everything to his sharp, exacting standards could fall head-over-heels for us?

Whatever the reason, there’s no denying that we love ourselves some bastards, and being beautiful doesn’t hurt one bit. Thankfully, books and film are full of them. From the quiet surly Victorian era suitors, to the modern quick-witted superheros, we’re ready to swoon for the bastardly men.

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1. Mr. Darcy / Edward Rochester from Pride & Prejudice and Jane Eyre

It’s their quiet, stoic longing, the aching misunderstandings that come about when they keep their thoughts to themselves. It’s the idea that the same man who says, “Could you expect me to rejoice in the inferiority of your circumstances?” could also say, “I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love, I love, I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.”
2. Don Draper from Mad Men

He’s unreadable, unflappable, totally irresistible, and tall. He’s charming when he wants to be, cold otherwise, and showing only tiny peeks into his dark, tortured mind. Nothing will ever break down those carefully-constructed walls. Hot bastard.
3. Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Snarling, British, and always ready with a witty quip, there is no question that when Spike goes loose on <em>Buffy</em>, entire houses fall to the ground. He’s more than happy to go shirtless and is hotter than seems humanly possible. But he can be as surly and rude as he wants, as long as he pins us to the crumbling wall.
4. Han Solo from Star Wars

A smuggler, a rebel, a space cowboy and a ladies man? We’re in! He had us at: “Han Solo. I’m captain of the Millenium Falcon. Chewie here tells me you’re looking for passage to the Alderaan system.” Maybe not the swooniest first line ever but hush! Harrison Ford, people! What we love so much about Han Solo is that while he’s essentially a good guy, there’s absolutely no denying that he’s looking out for number one. Our fave Han moment? When Princess Leia finally professes her love, and he answers with, “I know.” Smug Bastard.
5. Damon Salvatore / Niklaus Mikaelson (Klaus) from The Vampire Diaries

With their little sulky pouts and meaningful stares (translation: “Let’s have sex now”), these two vampire bad boys sure get our blood pumping (come on! it had to be said). But knowing that their bad really derives from their deep-seated need to be good makes our hearts go all gooey. Also, let’s not pretend the lure of danger isn’t a draw: It would take immense strength for either of these honeys to keep from biting us . . . and we aren’t entirely sure they have the power to resist.
6. Flynn Rider from Tangled

Is it possible to be an adorable bastard? Can we all just agree that’s a real thing? Because Flynn Rider manages to straddle the line between lovable goon and selfish rogue. But when he hands Rapunzel a lantern on her birthday, we’re willing to forgive him for busting into the tower uninvited.
7. Johnny Castle from Dirty Dancing

RIP, you King of all Hot Bastards. Johnny was the perfect bad boy — greaser hair, car, clothes. Obviously came from the wrong side of the tracks and could throw a punch. On top of that? The man could move, and his way with the ladies wasn’t even a minor subtext – it was the entire text. (Wasn’t it?) “Nobody puts Baby in the corner.” BOOYAH! Stands up to the dad! We bet there isn’t a woman between the ages of 20 and 70 who hasn’t worn out her videotape of this one.
8. Wolverine from The X-Men

Let’s be straight up honest here, people: Hugh Jackman as a growling, mad-at-the-world semi-wild animal superhero? We can’t even finish this caption because we’ve been reduced to mindless lust-zombies.
9. Tony Stark (Iron Man)

Arrogant, genius, billionaire, playboy . . . these are just a few terms used to describe Tony Stark. He’s the superhero without any actual super powers but he built his own suit in the middle of a desert, so we’re willing to cut the guy a little slack. We love his constant stream of humor, but also wouldn’t mind playing a little Gag-The-Avenger with him for just one night.
10. James Bond

We’d never fit into his life long-term, and who cares? We’ll be too exhausted after he’s done with us to even hear the door close on his way out.
11. Severus Snape from Harry Potter

Surly, snarling, and intent on making Harry Potter’s life a living hell, it would be easy to call Professor Snape a villain and be done with it. But that’s until we learn the all-important backstory – a heartichokey tale of love and sacrifice – that we truly understand the term “bad boy with a heart of gold.”
12. Detective Alonzo Harris from Training Day

Here is a man who’s truly a bad guy. Or is he? A bad cop, a drug dealer, and a charming mother trucker, he’s more than a bastard, he’s dangerous. The fact that he’s played by Denzel Washington in Training Day means he’s also gorgeous, but still, this is one beautiful bastard we definitely wouldn’t want to meet in a dark alley.
13. Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean

Ignore the hygiene issue. You could put Johnny Depp on a filthy ship and let him grow mangy and and we’d still be happy to bang the dreads off Captain Jack Sparrow. The slow, smart-ass drawl, the guyliner, the yummy tan. Where do we find our Port Wench costumes?