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September 6th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
ANCHORAGE, AK — After receiving his Halloween costume in the mail early and trying it on, local child Ryden Hollister declared boldly that he would not be removing the costume for the next 8 weeks.
“You may now refer to me as Mario,” he told his mother solemnly. “I will not be removing this costume — neither to sleep, nor to eat, nor even, yea, to bathe. I have taken on the identity of this heroic plumber. I am he, and he is I.”
“On November 1, and not a single day sooner, you may once again refer to me as Ryden.” He then built a Bowser’s castle out of couch pillows and proceeded to jump on his stuffed animals, shouting, “Ya! Hoo-hoo! Yipee!” for hours on end.
His parents admitted they’d made an error getting him the costume so soon. “Yeah, I know. This isn’t our first rodeo,” his mother, Joanna, told reporters. “I just got excited and wanted to post pics to Facebook. We usually wait ’til the week before Halloween to let him try it on. We won’t be making this mistake again. Last year, he was Link, the Hero of Time, from mid-August until October 31.”
She shook her head sadly. “So many pots broken. So many chickens attacked.”
Twelve minutes later, he’d promptly spilled orange Hi-C punch all over it.
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