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September 7th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
OVERLAND PARK, KS — The world’s leading Christian fast food chain suffered a tragedy today as the manager of a local Chick-Fil-A was apparently struck dead shortly after playing secular music in the restaurant.
The manager, identified as Luis Garcia, had been a loyal Chick-Fil-A employee for several years prior to his promotion to the position last spring. Garcia was overheard discussing the possibility of playing secular songs in the restaurant as recently as last week. Not long after hearing “Girl on Fire” by Alicia Keys over the speakers, Chick-Fil-A customers were shocked to see the store manager immediately smitten — likely by the wrathful hand of God.
“I was just sitting here listening to the music and enjoying my spicy deluxe chicken sandwich and waffle fries when I heard someone screaming back behind the counter,” said customer Micah Schmidt. “I went to find out what was going on and saw the manager lying dead on the floor.”
Sources say great fear and awe have come upon the staff of Chick-Fil-A after this terrifying display of divine wrath. “He kept talking about how he was tired of hearing the same instrumental jazz versions of Casting Crowns and Chris Tomlin songs all day, but I warned him not to play anything other than the Lord’s chosen music,” said employee Simeon Purtle. “Now that I think about it, there were loud claps of thunder every time he would even mention the idea of playing secular songs.”
At publishing time, the Chick-Fil-A branch was already searching for a new manager as funeral preparations were underway for Mr. Garcia. Though many of the details were left unclear, it is believed that his tombstone inscription will read “It Was His Pleasure.”
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