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August 16th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
BREAKING: Biden To Hold Special Press Conference Today To Announce What Ice Cream Flavor He’s Eating
CAMP DAVID—Amid increased calls to address the nation as Afghanistan falls to the Taliban, the Biden Administration has confirmed he will give an emergency press conference to announce which ice cream flavor he plans to eat today.
“Amid rising tensions throughout the country and in the middle east, our beloved leader is giving the American people exactly what they need right now,” said CNN correspondent Kaitlan Collins. “We’re all dying to know—will it be chocolate chip? Maybe chocolate-chocolate chip? I believe I speak for the entire country when I say the suspense is totally killing me!”
Exploiting a tragic scenario in Afghanistan, Republicans have seized on an opportunity to attack and pounce on President Biden, which some say could put a dark cloud over an otherwise joyous and heartwarming press conference.
Sources close to Biden have said he is undeterred, and will not allow the human disaster in Afghanistan to dampen spirits as he announces his chosen Monday ice cream flavor.
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