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March 11th, 2023 
Awake Goy 
HARRAN — Archeologists working in the Middle East say they’ve uncovered the world’s oldest cassette tape, which they believe was used as a mix tape by the biblical Jacob in his lengthy courtship with Rachel, as detailed in the first book of Moses called Genesis.
“This is a profound discovery that confirms the biblical account,” said Dr. Antonin Arab. “For years skeptics have said a mix tape never existed, but today we have proven the Bible true! You wouldn’t court a woman for fourteen years without making at least one mix tape.”
The cassette tape was first believed to be a discarded 80’s relic until researchers noted primitive proto-Sinaitic markings, which suggested a more ancient origin. Carbon dating confirmed the cassette tape was manufactured in the early to middle Bronze Age period.
Though the tape’s audio has long since degraded, linguists have translated a portion of the tracklist. “Lots of the song names aren’t recognizable today. But there are a few songs from Fiddler on the Roof and rock legend Billy Joel. We can speculate that Rachel was, indeed, Jacob’s ‘Uptown Girl’,” wrote Dr. Raymond Langston in a peer-reviewed study on the artifact.
In the biblical account, Jacob worked seven years for his uncle Laban in order to win the hand of Rachel, Laban’s daughter. However, he was tricked into marrying Laban’s other daughter Leah instead and had to work another seven years before he could finally marry Rachel. In the end, Jacob left Harran with two wives and a boatload of emotion. “It’s no surprise that he put together a mix tape during this time,” said Dr. Arab. “I mean, Jacob was a class act.”
In a dramatization of the discovery for National Geographic, an actress portraying Rachel says, “What a romantic!” when gifted a mix tape wrapped in calfskin.
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