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November 26th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
PLYMOUTH, MA—Archaeologists have uncovered a “cool” new discovery: the Cool Whip containers used by the Pilgrims to keep their leftovers after the first Thanksgiving. The 400-year-old Cool Whip containers are reportedly “remarkably well-preserved” and still contain leftovers of mashed potatoes, turkey, ham, and cranberry sauce that are “as fresh as they were back in 1621.”
“It seems after they were absolutely stuffed and couldn’t possibly take another bite, the Pilgrim grandmas—who were the ripe old age of 37—started gathering the leftovers in these plastic tubs,” said Dr. Hank Medverd, head of the dig. “While everyone was outside playing a pickup football game, the grannies gathered all the leftovers, making sure there was nothing wasted. Yes, even the yams.”
“The Pilgrims had turkey sandwiches for lunch for weeks and weeks after the first Thanksgiving,” he added, pointing to the remains of a delicious turkey and gravy sandwich one Pilgrim had eaten during his lunch break at the Pilgrim store.
Experts believe that without the invention of the Cool Whip container, created by Bob Cool Whip in the 15th century, no one would ever be able to save anything from Thanksgiving dinner, causing trillions in food loss each year.
At publishing time, the archaeologists had also unearthed the smallpox rapid test kits the Pilgrims had made the Indians take before admitting them into the house.
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