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August 11th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
ATLANTA, GA—Former Governor Andrew Cuomo has resigned in disgrace amid accusations of sexual harassment, but the sky is still the limit for his career, as CNN immediately hired him under a multi-million-dollar contract.
As soon as CNN learned the man was credibly accused of sexual harassment, they scooped him up to be an on-air personality.
“Between his ability to lie through his teeth, cover up atrocities, and sexually harass women, we think Mr. Cuomo will be a perfect fit for our company culture here at CNN,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “What a find for our cable news channel! Plus, his brother already works here, and the two have intimate knowledge of each other’s scandals. Mr. Cuomo will really hit the ground running here.”
“Welcome, Mr. Cuomo!”
At publishing time, CNN had confirmed the Cuomo brothers will star in a new show called “Super Cuomo Bros.” where they jump on seniors’ heads to murder them and throw fireballs at the elderly.
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