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December 30th, 2021 
Awake Goy 
NEW YORK, NY—Ghislaine Maxwell has been convicted on 5 counts related to sex crimes committed against minors for over a decade. A few minutes after her conviction, she announced she has landed a brand-new job at CNN.
“We called Maxwell as soon as the verdict was read,” said CNN President Jeff Zucker. “Ghislaine has shown us she has exactly what it takes to work here. This has nothing to do with the fact that she’s really good at committing sex crimes. We are hiring her for her… um, many other qualifications. Yeah. Qualifications.”
Maxwell will replace Wolf Blitzer as an anchor on The Situation Room and will also be placed in charge of the hiring of all new female interns.
“I am humbled to have been given this new opportunity at CNN,” said Maxwell, “and I promise to do my best to find the very best girls—er, I mean, news. The very best news. Yeah. That’s what I meant.”
Ghislaine Maxwell will broadcast the news from her federal prison cell in New York City until her sentence is completed, or until she kills herself.
RED ALERT: this is not a joke. Elon Musk sat down with Babylon Bee CEO Seth Dillon, EIC Kyle Mann, and Creative Director Ethan Nicolle for an in-depth interview on wokeness, Elizabeth Warren, the Metaverse, and how the left is killing comedy.
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