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January 8th, 2022 
Awake Goy 
The United States Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments today to determine if vaccine mandates can be put in place to save billions of lives, or if we’re going to be selfish and personally kill every person in America. Justices appear divided on the matter so this is a case we’ll be following closely.
Here are nine key moments from today’s hearing:
1) First 2 hours of the hearing were spent explaining to a confused Justice Breyer what a “Constitution” is: They later agreed to revisit the subject tomorrow.
2) Justice Sotomayor’s head kept slamming into her keyboard due to the weight of her helmet: We’re just glad she was wearing one.
3) Justice Barrett stopped her knitting to ask a pointed question about separation of powers: This was right after she paused cooking dinner to ask about precedent.
4) When Sotomayor asserted that 400 billion have died of COVID in the last 7 minutes: She must be watching a lot of CNN.
5) That time Clarence Thomas asked if you can treat COVID with weed: The questions got deeper and more philosophical after Justice Thomas passed around some delicious brownies. “Like what even is a vaccine, man? It’s just we don’t even know if they’re like just illusions and this is all some video game, brah.”
6) The state’s lawyer was instructed to stop violating Nintendo’s copyrighted material by quoting Phoenix Wright Ace Attorney: Nintendo’s lawyers will be releasing a redacted transcript of the arguments tomorrow.
7) Justice Thomas was asked to stop making the Law & Order “dun dun” sound after every sentence: He later held himself in contempt for being unable to control himself. Dun dun.
8) Proceedings paused while Chief Justice Roberts checked Twitter to see how he should rule: He’s leaning toward a somewhat non-commital ruling that places him squarely on the fence.
9) Justice Alito kept having to remind everyone he exists and his feelings are important too: Justice Kagan also said some stuff, but no one listens to her. Merrick Garland didn’t ask any questions, as he is not a Justice.
We’re live on the scene at the Capitol building as the FBI hosts their beloved annual January 6 reunion. Good times!
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